Aman was really mad. His sister, Natasha went for a picnic despite being told not to. Exams were approaching fast and their father had told them both to forget all outings until their exams were over. But Natasha convinced her mom and went off anyway. Aman said, "My parents are always easy with her and handle her with great tenderness just because she is younger. Last month, when I went out against dad's orders, I was grounded for two whole weeks." Aman gave vent to all his anger by screaming and hitting Natasha.
Is this sibling rivalry? Many parents are often very worried about their kids arguing and fighting and label it as 'sibling rivalry'. But experts believe that problems between siblings don't involve rivalry at all. Their problems involve conflict.
Now, why should children experience conflict? Children want all the circumstances in their world to suit their terms and conditions. They want all rules to fit their behaviour rather than mending their behaviour to fit the rules. They naturally see their side of any situation. They fail to see the other sibling's point of view. That is when they get angry!
What can any parent do to reduce conflict? Firstly, teach your children acceptable ways to express disappointment. Tell them how to manage their anger and their other feelings without causing harm to others. Allow your child to cool down. Remember communication is most effective when everybody's had their share of time to calm down. Then, cuddle them up and explain that it's okay to be angry... we all get angry. But expressing anger by shouting and hitting doesn't lead us anywhere. Children of today's generation understand logical explanations very well. Teach them acceptable ways of coping with anger.
Try saying this - "It appears to me that you two are getting into an argument. I am sure my wise children can work this out amicably and I hope you do. If you need my help, let me know. Still if we can't solve the issue, you will need to take a little break from each other for sometime."
This kind of a message makes the kids believe that they too can resolve conflicts. The point here is to remember, that if you as a parent believe that they can resolve conflicts, then the kids too will start believing the same. Always remember to encourage your kids to solve their own conflicts regardless of age. Make this a rule. Therefore, give them time to do this. Time given should depend on your kid's age. Still, if you find their conflict getting worse, you may need to intervene and give them guidance. Sit around and think of an appropriate solution.
Teach kids to respect each other, even when they disagree. Tell them how all human beings have a right to form opinions. Create a small story with different characters having different opinions. Such story narration helps in value education. Respecting others' point of view, is an acquired trait that will help them as adults too.
Aman's parents should have said - "Aman, you don't have to agree with what Natasha did. She sees it her way and you see it your way. Both of you have different opinions and that's absolutely okay. What is not okay is expressing anger by screaming and hitting. I understand, each of you must be having reason enough to believe that it is your opinion that is correct."
Let the kids explain their reasons. Help the kids to strike a compromise. Each kid must learn to believe that it is just fair to compromise a bit. Make sure that both parties are satisfied.
How can we prevent conflict? To do that, focus on positive social behaviour. Give them many, many compliments whenever they seem to get along. We, as parents often get caught up with our own lives and forget about issues like positive feedback, rewards and compliments. Never take good behaviour for granted.
Last but not the least, the best way to teach conflict resolution is by being a good example. Exhibit appropriate behaviour while going through your own conflicts with your spouse, friends, boss, domestic help, annoying drivers who violate traffic rules, shopkeepers etc. Remember to display calmness, politeness and respect for all. Develop positive parenting techniques and remain consistent. Make parenting a fun event of your life. Good parenting pays off!
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